My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
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Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors