Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
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Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Did I do this right