Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
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How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…