[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
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You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
🚲+physics = winner
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”