No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
You Might Also Like
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
The dark side of Canada
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still