me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
You Might Also Like
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.