“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
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Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.