We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
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Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
🚲+physics = winner
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]