Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
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Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.