ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
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When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
unbelievably distressed by this ad
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move