I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
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Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”