As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
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*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Always 🥴
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board