My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
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I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
(yawn)
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race