[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
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[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no