She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
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The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.