I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
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My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.