ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
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[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Breaking news:
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Fries, not lies.