I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
You Might Also Like
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it