The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
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Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
dogs can find happiness so easily
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.