rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
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What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
My god she’s good.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you