I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
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When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Phones down.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
dogs can find happiness so easily
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?