If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
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No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
#titanic
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.