The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
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Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
CUTE CAT‼︎
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?