I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
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Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Golf would be better with landmines.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
You better watch out
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!