Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
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This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.