Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
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I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
The prophecy is fulfilled
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby