People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
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Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
crying
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.