I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
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On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.