Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
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Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.