Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
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[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂