You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
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SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.