You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
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[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Time heals everything 🙂
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Meowchelangelo
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.