In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
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Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Sometimes? I’m slipping
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
Cucumbers Anonymous
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.