PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
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Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
😬
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*