God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
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DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
584.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run