Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
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I think I’ll stand
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.