If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
You Might Also Like
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
I want this so bad
thanks auntie mary
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁