2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
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“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
ibopfufen
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.