Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
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she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom