WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
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Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust