I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
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I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.