A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
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I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.