The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
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No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Me driving through Toronto
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come