‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
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Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”