mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
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*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
two people or more is called a problem
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.