Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
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Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Love this guy
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Facebook marketplace is a different world
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.