[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
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*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
that wasn’t the question
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid