Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
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My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.