Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Erm…
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.