What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
You Might Also Like
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore